I want to say I’m sorry for not writing in a while.
And that’s the problem, I think.
See, it doesn’t really matter to you that I haven’t been all up your inbox for the past few weeks. You’ve got a life to live—one that can certainly function without some guy with incredible bone structure rambling on and on about what he’s discovering in the dawn of his American adulthood. I mean, come on.
But still, my ego insists that I mention how long it’s been. Why? Because it needs your attention to exist. Sounds pretty gross, but it’s the same for all of us. Perhaps it’s some weird evolutionary survival trick. Maybe when we figured out that screaming repels predators and attracts humans, we set humanity on the path that has led us to selfie sticks, YouTube content creators, The Real Housewives, and cynical blogs that obviously don’t want anyone to have any fucking fun.
I write, sing, act, and create. By nature and trade, I am always looking for your attention. We entertainment-types spend our time anticipating what you’re going to laugh or cry at, and then replicating that at just the right amounts, so that we can squeeze it out of you for money. Sure, it’s a delicate craft, but it’s not nearly as exhausting as we let on.
But, we all like a little drama now and then, don’t we?
I know I do, and my ego is betting that you do too. So it brews up some guilt and ships it over to my brain part that does the writing—the part that I’m sure has a name, but you know, whatever. The result is a chronicle of the struggle that kept forcing me to open up my Twitter feed instead of a blank document every night.
A few days ago, I realized that I was missing this time here. Because of what I do, being present at work means losing yourself to fill a role or write for a client.
Work has being going very, very well. For my ego, that is.
I think that just like our bodies, we measure our emotions by their weight. We pile on the list of things that we have to do or have done to give our lives importance; to make them stand out against the mundane.
But, if we ask for less attention from others, and pay more attention to ourselves, maybe we won’t need to carry all that weight around.